First a video I would like to share with you... A Lauryn Hill song remade and sung early on in Colbie Caillat's career.. I like to believe this is a song about my God so I view it that way...
Have you ever used an etch-a-sketch.. You precisely turn two knobs in such a way that you are able to draw a series of straight and diagonal lines in hopes of creating a masterpiece/ a picture.. It takes patience, a bit of talent, and skill... But there is a point when you are drawing that you must make an uneasy judgement call in advance to connect the two lines as eye and hand coordination become critical.. So as you move the single line to the other straight line everything still looks until almost at the point of contact and the two lines often barely miss one another.. Depending on the error usually this means you have to erase the drawing by shaking the etch a sketch only to start over ....
This also parallels life as well... On with the story....
Shortly after I sold everything and moved into the current apartment I reside in to this day.. I was finding a joy and freedom in God as i was learning w/Lianne seeking God and possibilities or hope for the future service to our God together in the future... about no more than a month later one night the accident took her away from all here on earth and for the next months to follow there was to be great tension, sadness, confusion, and stress... I became a shell walking around with sunglasses as a permanent fixture over my eyes as they were often bloodshot from the tears, and headphones with music albeit mostly christian music I was hiding from society for the most part drowning out the life moving around me.. a few songs that gave me great comfort were these:
Upon realizing just how short life can be at any given moment as Gods word tells us
You don't even know what tomorrow will bring---- what your life will be. For you are like smoke that appears for a little while then vanishes.
I suddenly felt an urgency to leave a life of complacency as my mind unsettled was pulled in a million different directions convincing myself i was going to finish the drawing by completing the lines on my real life "etch a sketch" I was determined to help everywhere and make a difference for God out of fear because i was facing the fragility of life due to circumstances of sin in "the fallen world"
I started walking everywhere downtown and introducing myself asking for names of many individuals I would have drove by with my music playing loud in the jeep before.. I realized i wanted to make a difference.. I wanted to help immediately... my agenda .. Yep it appeared my lines were going to connect just perfectly I mean, how could i go wrong? I was out there giving, how could that not be the right thing for me to do?
One night my drawing became messy... I was passing by a local thai restaurant as I looked through the window i saw a family of 7 to 8 people so I had the idea to offset a little of their total bill so i walked in and handed the server a 20 dollar bill to be used for part of the families bill and I walked out quickly.. I hadn't went farther than the next corner of the block when the waitress comes out exclaiming quite loudly "they don't know you, they don't know you. You keep your money for yourself. You take this money, you take your money." I was frustrated feeling like the gentleman at the table was insulted that i would try to pay for his family.. I quickly walked away but just as i left i came upon "Dan" an elder gentleman who was unshaven, and I had seen him sleeping in various sites downtown during the day, parking his older three wheel tricycle with basket wherever he stopped... I thought here is my chance to "save face" from the embarrassment just before. I quickly went into the bar and asked him if he wanted to go to the grocery store with me so I could buy him any food he wanted... His facial expression turned cross and angrily snapped at me like never before in all of our previous conversations... i had insulted him by offering him assistance for food....
My drawing was all messed up .... It was time to shake the etch a sketch and start over ...
Very humiliated, feeling rather defeated I walked back to my apartment and fell to my knees meeting with my Savior praying for my God once again to "hit me over the head with clarity explaining that it takes alot for me to understand... I cried out to be used by God.." I desire this in the best way.
This is where the fun begins
Our God hears our crys and desires us to come to him with all our desires...
The next saturday there was a mens breakfast at my brothers church so i spent the weekend at my brothers house to be with family instead of alone at my apartment.. After stuffing my belly with all the scrambled eggs, potatoes, and coffee i could absorb into my girly figure it was time for prayer and a bit of Bible fellowship which I can't get enough of ... The gentleman goes to the front of the room and after prayer starts with this verse..
Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses every thought will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
An immediate light came on in my head... Actually to be more accurate the Spirit was speaking to me .. I thought back about a month earlier our mens Bible Study fellowship at another church took that verse as our memory verse ... So I quickly whispered to my older brother Troy who was sitting beside me that Philippians 4:6,7 was being consistently brought to my attention through various sources. I think he thought i might have been just taking a coincidence for the Spirit but i explained my prayer to him and we went home... The next day Sunday morning worship service Pastor Doug was speaking on another area in the Bible when he made mention that he had to share a verse that had been on his mind to share... Yep... you guessed it Philippians 4:6,7 ... with my mother sitting in the middle of us in church i immediately caught my brothers attention and we chuckled realizing that verse was said yet again... Clarity??? Not as clear as it was about to get later that evening...
My younger brother Mat lives in North Carolina and he just happened to call my older brother troy.. I was in the living room and I thought why not? So I yelled to troy " hey why dont you ask Mat if he has a verse he would like to share with me?" I already knew what was in store, but it was funny to see my older brother with a blank expression on his face handing me the phone as my younger brother who had no clue of this whole story proceeds to say "I dont know where this verse is found but it says something like Do not be anxious in anything....." I didn't let him finish i took it from there and told him it was Philippians 4:6,7
Pondering this amazing event .. upon returning back to my apartment I drop to my knees and humbly thank the Lord God for speaking to me in such a personal way through His Word...wow... I felt so unworthy and amazed all at the same time... As i was readily watching he also did that in the following weeks with another verse through several people not even knowing why they were reciting it to me ... it was :
Be still and know that I am God.
I had become so frantic with desperation, worry, and fear trying to go in every direction with selfish misguided intentions to do good by myself not being led by the Spirit of God. It had become fear based not a peaceful love of the will of God. Having a renewed peace in my Bible and prayer journal in the months to come I calmed down and became more peacefully waiting on Gods direction for my life except... one area which happened really recently.. I gave up my struggle with God... I had this one area that i felt necessary to do on my own... but friday night i came to my Jesus and gave up that fight.. I told my God i was giving up my "hidden agenda" ha ha i say "hidden" but god knew my agenda. I would let go of my will in finding someone or desiring a family because through self introspection I realized i was clearly not giving him that area of my life (it is very important to check ourselves "parental control" ourselves so that we are not in the way of the will of the Father) So after i came to him with the request of a family I acknowledged a commitment to quit fighting for my will but to wait upon the will of my Lord. THIS IS WHERE THIS BLOG POST GET SO ABSOLUTELY CRAZY AMAZING... ARE YOU READY FOR IT???
Before i type any of my blogs i write them out in my notebook and before the ink was finished I was called by a strong believer in the faith a christian I believe was meant to call me just at that exact time possibly for someone who was going to be reading my blog to be touched by this but unknown to her that i had just finished writing
"I would let go of my will in finding someone or desiring a family because through self introspection I realized i was clearly not giving him that area of my life"
She starts to tell me she should have called me yesterday but as she was doing something yesterday she was clearly seeing that something she did had triggered her that she was supposed to call me and tell me that God did have someone for me and she said it was very clear that i wasn't going to be alone.. but that she was supposed to let me know to have peace in this matter... Coincidence?? I think not ... I just now gave in to my God laying my wrestling with the Spirit in this matter.. Well as you know i have some words to say about this... and it goes like this
"My God is Crazy Amazing"
and even in the last few weeks I have felt the personal touch of my God through recent friends in my life... so with that i am leaving you with this song... And yes my God can make your paths crystal clear might i suggest you pray that he "hit you over the head" repeatedly if he must and trust me if you are listening he will.... on his time... :)